Coming out of the dark

I have high functioning anxiety with a side of debilitating depression.

Yep, there’s no real way to sugar coat that shit. It’s something that I’ve been working through for quite some time, but as of late has consumed me entirely. As a result, I’ve been merely a shadow of my “normal” self. I’m not sleeping. My body isn’t handling food well. I’ve hid my struggles from others as a form of shame.

This is NOT okay and I’ve taken steps to address this with the help of my team of medical professionals, my husband, and others.

This is not a post to garnish attention for myself but more so to let others know that if any of the above resonates with you on any level, that it is okay to ask for help. Whatever help looks like for you.

Too many times, I get sucked into the comparison game and focusing on what’s wrong instead of what’s going well. That you need to put on a happy face to others when you’re barely hanging in there.

Today, I am slowly climbing out of the dark place I’ve been in. If you’re there too, I hope that you will use the tools that you have to do the same.

This post was originally posted on Instagram on 2/25/2021.

You Never Forget Your First.... (Troll)

When I started sharing my story on social media, I knew that I was opening myself up to positive and negative feedback. Who knew that a post about True Religion jeans would cause such a stir.

First things first, back in 2004 - 2008, designer jeans were all of the rage. 7’s, Paige, Rock n Republic, and my favorite: True Religion. Something about that crooked obnoxiously exaggerated white stitching with the exuberant Buddha dude just got me. And let’s not forget how low rise these jeans were. Where else would we show off our lower back tattoos and thongs? (BTW that was NOT me)

As I got heavier, I kept these pricey gems because 1) they were expensive AF and 2) I will fit into them again AKA “goal jeans.”

About 3 months post (bariatric) surgery [May 2020] , I was able to fit into them and I posted on Instagram about it. The heavens didn’t open up. There were no angels singing (aside from my then 3 year old twins and 7 month old puppy. There was most definitely no jumping up and down because #jigglymombits . They were simply a pair of low rise jeans that should have stayed in 2005. I even ended my post with “low rise jeans that this mama should never wear again.”

Fast forward to December 2020, a random person [who will now be known as Troll] snarkly commented on my May post with the following:

“Lol, low rises are for slender women trying to look curvier. I wear them all of the time. Not for you dear.” Wait, what?

This Troll searched through SEVEN MONTHS of hashtag content to find ME (a complete stranger) and critique me on wearing a pair of MFing low rise jeans. WTF?!?!

I share this ridiculousness with my husband and friends, who immediately came to my defense to tell this Troll to go “pound sand.” But it doesn’t stop there. Troll proceeded to report each and every comment as "bullying and/or abusive/aggressive/blah blah blah.” And somehow, their comments were hidden and/or removed. Yet, when I reported hers, I received a Dilbert response of that it wasn’t considered any of the above.

Isn’t it ironic? Don’t you think? [Cue Alanis Morrissette]

I did have an incredible friend who is a professor in social psychology who came to my defense to identify Troll’s behavior as “defensive self esteem. It’s the people who always have a problem with someone else - they can’t have any self esteem unless everyone else who seems to be doing great, isn’t. So you see, take it as a compliment! She had to tear you down because you are doing something amazing and people are watching and soooo impressed.”

Troll decided to double down on her verbal assault saying that she wasn’t insulting me but rather stating a fact that “average bodies shouldn’t wear low rise jeans because it highlights their imperfections.”

Regardless, I didn’t respond to the Troll’s comments because I was taking the high road and gathering my thoughts. I wanted to end this nonsense once and for all. Several days later, I posted my response:

“Thank you for shedding light on my dreadful 2004 fashion choices. I mean, who even wears True Religion jeans anymore? It would have been nice if you searched through the hashtags to share your profound wisdom back in May 15th (the original post date) so I could warn the next “average body” to stay away from the FREE jeans of said low rise jeans that were donated soon after posting. You see, the last line of the post was “..overpriced, ridiculously low rise jeans that this mama should never wear again.” Life a fart in church, unsolicited advice never goes well. However, through this, I have learned more than you can imagine. I have an awesome tribe. My 4 year old twins learned the power of words and treating people with kindness. I am important. To those around me and to catch a complete stranger’s attention (ahem, that YOU).

Thank you and I wish you well,”

But alas, Troll’s response was par for the course:

“this is a joke right? Fashion is a personal preference. Who cares if someone says a brand is out or if you got ridiculously expensive (they’re relatively cheap in comparison to other brands) jeans for free. The jeans weren’t made for your body. End of story. Facts don’t care about your feelings sister sledge.”

Soon after the Troll was blocked and all was right in the world again. At least in my world, god only knows who Troll has tormented next. Through it all, I’m happy how we (the collective voice) handled this unfortunate situation. It may be the first, but I’m sure it won’t be the last. As one of my dear friends told me, “Well, I guess you made it. You got your first internet troll.”

And to the next one, you’ve been warned.